Stories



"You may notice I've removed most of the rants from this page. I have come to the realization that too much of my life has been spent with me dwelling on/in the past. I no longer feel the need to share my entire life story with everybody. Some things belong in the past. These are some highlights." - Ian


Photo Radar

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RING!!!

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Dirty Love Poem Number 3
Invisible Sun
Christmas The Pagan Ritual
Conspiracy Theories
Going To Church On Sunday
Lili's Never Around
Lili And Doug (Sitting In A Tree)
Beautiful Wife
Jugs
In The Rodeo
Pam Maxwell's Dungeon
Lawyerland
Impact Craters

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PHOTO RADAR


Do you remember Photo Radar? Do you remember why it was cancelled? Because it worked.

Photo Radar did exactly what it should have done: it got motorists to slow down while driving. People smartened up real fucking quick to the fact that they were being caught on camera, and as a result, the Government started to lose in revenue because people were getting less speeding tickets. Speed traps and all the rest are a source of revenue for the Government. They don't care that lives were being saved because people were aware of the fact that they WOULD be caught if they were speeding.

Here is something to think about: They make the law so that you can only go 90 - 100 km/hr; yet, they make vehicles that are capable of going twice that fast. Why? Can't we just make cars that only do 85 km/hr? Sure. They want us to speed. It's a source of revenue or them, and it's the reason we all pay through the nose for automobile insurance.

Think about it.


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RING!!!

RING!!!

Yes...

That band we were hearing yesterday, was that The Who?

Yes.

You mean it was Yes?

No, fool!

You're telling me that the song was called "No Fool?" I don't recall Yes ever doing any song called "No Fool."

No!

Wait, there's a band called No? I have never heard of such a thing. Is it a Yes tribute?

I couldn't tell you. Your guess is as good as mine.

You mean, it's The Guess Who?

Jesus Christ man. You can't possibly be this thick.

"Thick As a Brick"...that's by Jethro Tull. I know that one.

No Fool!

Oh, yes it is.

No!

Now we're back to talking about No. Do they cover a song by Yes called "No Fool?"

I don't know about any Yes Tribute Band.

But, you said that they did a song called "No Fool."

You're thinking of a song called "Fool On The Hill." The song we were hearing the other day is called "Baba O'Riley."

Who is that by?

Precisely.

Wait a minute! I have never heard of any band called Precisely.

Look, you're the one who started all this. I never mentioned anything about anybody.

About who?

Yes!

You keep saying Yes. Who is it?

Exactly.

Are you trying to confuse me. Now you're going to have me surfing YouTube looking for songs by Yes called "No Fool" and "Exactly."

Look, who were we talking about at the beginning of this fucking conversation, assuming you can remember that far back?

You mean The Who?

Yes!

So, it is Yes Then.


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DIRTY LOVE POEM NUMBER 3

Lili, you know that I miss you baby

You treat me real bad, and like always, you know I'm especially grateful

I just can't wait for those extra special moments when you make me grovel at your feet

And, those times when you treat me like I'm your soccer ball, well, let's just say that I deserve 'em


Just so you know, I wish that I had what it takes to be your man

And, if I have overstepped my bounds with this one

Please feel free to put me in my place


Stomp Me Mama

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INVISIBLE SUN

Invisible Sun is a Police Tribute band.

Enjoy this true story involving the Police:

It's 2007, and I am at a spot called The Media Club. A friend of mine who happens to be a local Vancouver personality at a big time radio station tells me that The Police are in Vancouver rehearsing for a huge upcoming world tour, and they are launching it right here: a once in a lifetime thing. This is the first that I have heard of this, and I am stunned to say the least. I had just read an interview with Stewart Copeland that said The Police were NOT going to get together because Sting doesn't want to. My friend then tells me that Stewart Copeland had been spotted early in the morning at a coffee shop right next to The Four Season's Hotel, just in case I wanted to try and bump into him.

Sure enough, the next morning I am there at 6:45 AM, listening to my headphones. I decide that if he doesn't show by the time my album is finished, I will just pack up, and go home. Well, the album reaches its end, and just as I put everything away, sure enough, he comes out the front door, a man on a mission. I run outside and say, "Mr. Copeland Sir."

He looks around, trying to figure out where the fuck this voice is coming from. Then he spots me, chooses to ignore me, and goes about his way. I realize that I have annoyed him, thinking to myself, "Oh no. I've really stepped in it now," and, somehow, I manage to squeak out, "I play in a band called Invisible Sun. We do a tribute to The Police."

He stops, turns around and says, "Right. Good luck with that." As he leaves he waves goodbye to me, and I go home amazed that I was able to get that close to one of my heroes.

It was wonderful to get the chance to hear them play live as a trio. They did it out of a spirit of friendship, which for me, was the best part of the concert.


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CHRISTMAS THE PAGAN RITUAL

Christmas is not a Christian holiday. Catholics and Christians celebrate it, but, it's not a Christian holiday: it's a Celtic Pagan ritual that was appropriated by the Roman Catholic Church. The reason the Church sanctioned this festival is because they saw the economic potential of this celebration.

The Evergreen tree was/is a symbol of fertility to the Celts. December is the coldest and darkest time of the year; but, The Evergreen tree survives. The opening of gifts was an offering to the Gods, as a way of offering prayer that there would be another season: one that would yield a bountiful harvest.

As far as the Birthday of Christ is concerned, the Roman Catholic Church has no clue as to the true birthday of Jeshua Khristos. In fact, if Jesus were alive, and he witnessed the atrocities committed by the Church, including: the things they did to Galileo; the things they did during the Crusades; and the things they did to young boys, (castrating them so their singing voices would remain pure and perfect), Jesus would probably call the Church "The Enemy."

Christmas evolved over time because it gives people hope. It's interesting that something as noble as that could be tainted by lies in the interests of commerce. I can't say I blame people though. Our present economy would probably die without "The Christmas Spirit."

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CONSPIRACY THEORIES

Why is it we're all allowed to go around yelling about how bad the Government is?
You hear it all the time: "The Government Is Big Brother!"
You sure as fuck can't say that shit in Orwell's 1984.
The message is clear: "Don't Fuck With Big Brother!"
The reason nobody is threatened with "Shut - up, or we'll fuckin' kill you!",
is Big Brother appreciates the free advertising.


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GOING TO CHURCH ON SUNDAY

Christians believe that you're supposed to go to Church on the seventh day.
The seventh day is actually Saturday; but, we all go to church on Sunday, which is the first day of the week.

Somebody lied to me.

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LILI'S NEVER AROUND

Lili is never around
She has better things to do than spend her time with me
I should start singing a song Sting once wrote about stalking his ex-wife,
"Every Breath You Take, I'll Be Watching You"

Lili's real boyfriend may want to beat me up,
"Hey buddy! Are you stalking my wife?"
"No sir, I'm just singing her love songs."


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LILI AND DOUG (SITTING IN A TREE)

Lili beautiful,
You're leaving me for Doug,
It's just not fair,
How am I supposed to admire your beautiful clothes, your beautiful face,
and your beautiful hair?
But Doug will treat you real good. I know that he likes you.
He'll make a great companion, he will be kind and fair,
and in the end, that is all that I care about.


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BEAUTIFUL WIFE

I get a kick watching the way all these clowns be fighting over you
All of you bozos should know, that it's me that she loves the most.

For at a very early age, you only had to look in the mirror, and you knew
that there would be many, yes many men who would beg to be your slave.
Men who would drop down on their hands and knees and crawl butt-naked through miles of
barbed wire, broken glass, and tiny little razor sharp metal shavings,
for the chance to work up the courage, the nerve, the bravery,
just to share with you their deepest darkest cravings.

But you don't need their words:
You can tell just by the look on every face, that they will carry with them
as the fondest of memories for all time, knowing they got to spend five,
count 'em five minutes talking to a woman so fine.

Of course I get a kick watching the way these fools drool over you.
So do you.


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JUGS

There will probably come a time where you will be out with your woman, (grocery shopping, the library, a movie perhaps), and through no fault of your own, a gorgeous, drop dead bombshell will walk by; a woman so riveting that she could stop traffic on a one way street. Now, don't panic when your woman decides to put you on the spot by asking you, "Is she prettier than me?" the way to handle this question, is to act real surprised, and respond by saying, "Who? You mean that fat pig? Get real. She looks like she just crawled out of bed. Besides, her tits are too small. Naw, I like you...you got nice jugs."

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IN THE RODEO

So, my friends and I have just graduated from high school, and my one friend has just been dumped by his girlfriend, (who happens to be a classical music snob). The next thing I know, she's mastering all the lyrics to these real corny Country And Western songs, (along with my ex-girlfriend), and going to the local meat market, (a cowboy bar) to score. My friend explains to me that his ex-girlfriend is learning these tunes so that she can impress the drunken rednecks in the bar, get picked up, and get taken home for a real good time.

"You mean to tell me that the only reason they're committing all this Cheatin' & Drinkin' horse shit to memory is so they can get ridden like they were in the rodeo?"
"Yes."
"They don't really care for the music?"
"Right."
"Does this tactic work for you and me as well? If we knew the lyrics to these stupid songs, would some drunken, recently divorced cougar be itchin' to take one of us home for a roll in the hay?"
"Possibly."
"Sheeit! Is that all someone has to do these days to get laid? You Picked A Fine Time To Leave Me Lucille..."

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PAM MAXWELL'S DUNGEON

I'm four years old, and I am an only child. My mother is raising me as a single mom: she works a full time job at the hospital as a secretary; and, like most single parents, she needs to find somebody to look after her kid. She brings me to a woman who goes by the name of PAM MAXWELL, who is running a daycare without a license. At the time, I have no idea that this is illegal, but it doesn't take long before I learn that this woman is bad news.

PAM has four children of her own: KELLY (10), MONICA(7), RINI(6), and RYAN (who is just an infant). Right off the bat, RINI makes a point of hating me. From time to time, there are other children in the house, but he likes to single me out. KELLY and MONICA are both nice enough; and RYAN is just a toddler, but RINI has it in for me, and he makes a point of telling me so. Looking back, I wonder if it might be because he thinks I'm taking his mother away from him. The first time I get hurt, both RINI and I are in the back yard, and we're sitting in this little fort we made. The fort is made out of cinder blocks, and one of them falls, and lands on my head. I start to cry, and I'm bleeding. PAM comes to the back to see what all the racket is about, and I tell her that I'm injured. She simply tells me not to make so much noise, and she goes inside: I pick up on her indifference right away. Thankfully, she has an elderly fellow working for her by the name of HERBERT, who tends to my bleeding forehead. HERBERT is responsible for doing all the cooking and cleaning, and tending to all the babysitting chores. He does all the work for PAM, and he is actually a fairly nice man. There are times when he is up to his eyeballs in kids, but I'm more fond of him than anybody.

One morning, I'm sitting in the living room with her four children, and I can hear her screaming at the top of her lungs. I can't remember what she's yelling about, but I see her come out of the bathroom, and she is totally naked, with a towel wrapped around her head. I point out that she's not supposed to be naked in front of me, and KELLY tells me that there's nothing wrong with being naked. I notice as he's saying this to me, that he is making a point of looking away from her. There is another morning where KELLY, MONICA, and RINI are away at school, and I am watching television in the living room by myself. PAM is still in bed, and she calls me into her bedroom: I go in to see what she wants. She tells me to get into bed with her, so I climb on top of the covers; but, I immediately discover that this is not the same as cuddling up to my mom, and I get out of there as quickly as I can. I'm relieved that she's too out of it to bother with me, and I make a point of staying quiet, because I know that the more she sleeps, the better off I will be.

RINI is relentless: his antagonism towards me is 'round the clock, and the only one who seems to notice is HERBERT. When I tell PAM that RINI is always trying to hurt me, her response to me is, "Don't be a tattle-tale." She's also willing to get physical, although it only happens a couple of times. But RINI knows that I'm scared of his mother, and he makes a point of using this against me. He hands me a kitchen knife, and tells me to go stab RYAN. I tell him I don't want to, but he tells me that if I don't do as he says, he'll sick his mother on me. I'm already afraid of both of them enough as it is, and I don't want her putting her hands on me anymore. The next thing I know is I'm standing in the living room while RYAN is playing with his toys, and I'm terrified. HERBERT comes along and sees the knife in my hands. Luckily for both RYAN and me, he takes the knife away from me. But nobody hears me when I try to explain that it was actually RINI who tried to make me do this. From then on, PAM makes a point of locking me in her basement as soon as I arrive at her house from school. I get sent down there, and I am left down there. This goes on for quite some time. Sometimes I am lucky and MONICA comes down to play tag with me. Sometimes however, RINI comes down to pay me a visit. I can remember one time where MONICA quickly hides me in the closet, underneath some clothes: making sure that RINI can't find me. He asks where I am, and she tells him that I'm outside.

RINI has a fondness for standing at the top of the stairs and telling me that I'm going to be in this basement forever. "Your mother is never coming to find you," he says. He's downstairs with me one afternoon, and he says to me, "I'm going to cut your balls off." I'm not sure what he's referring to, but I know it can't be any good. I'm glad that I'm sitting in the crib, so that he can't get his hands on me. Later on, I ask my mother what my balls are.

"What are my balls?"
"Don't say that word."
"But what does it mean? Does it mean my eyeballs?"
"I don't want you using that word I said."
"RINI says he's going to cut off my balls. What does RINI mean when he says he's going to cut off my balls?"

My mother realizes that this is not a place where she wants to be sending me, and she quickly finds me another daycare. A lady named MRS. NICKEL is kind enough to quickly take me in for a day, knowing that my mom is desperate to get me away from PAM. The new daycare that I get sent to is much better, and I am relieved to finally get away from PAM and RINI. I used to believe that my mother sent me to this woman as a punishment for something bad that I had done. As we are leaving PAM's house for the last time I say to my mother, "Please don't make me come here anymore. Whatever it is, I promise I won't ever do it again." My mother knows that sending me to this place was a mistake, and thankfully, I never have to see PAM ever again.

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LAWYERLAND

John Calvin must die, because my parents want to buy property in Heaven; and, they think that you can do it the same way you buy real estate: hoping that if they send money to Jesus they will be saved. But, they can't help it that they are afraid, everyone's afraid. That's why we live in Lawyerland.

What is the definition of a good lawyer: someone who knows how to lick your ear while they have their way with you. So, don't worry if you actually go and do something really bad, because some big name lawyer will get you off, and they will lick your ear while they do it. And, when you finally do get off, and all your friends look at you and say, "So, you finally did learn how to give a good blow job after all." You can respond by saying, "Shut - up! It didn't taste that bad. He was a nice man."

We have a situation where we are living in a "Criminal Justice Industry." The service being provided in this case is the brutal processing, sentencing, and incarceration of non-violent citizens for misdemeanor possession. It's big business for Government, it's big business for organized crime, and it's big business for lawyers. The punishment is far worse than the crime being committed. They would rather lock people up at a cost of $50,000.00 per year per inmate, rather than pay $20,000.00 a year each to keep them in schools. End Prohibition. Give the addicts their drugs for free, so that women no longer have to get into a car with Robert Pickton. Final Judgment will be reserved for those who create the criminals.

The scientists in NASA are debating if there is any bacteria surviving under the polar ice caps on Mars. Well,they can debate all they want about the water left on Mars, because there sure as fuck isn't any water left here on Earth anymore, (at least none that you can drink). And, what there is left the lawyers are selling to us in plastic bottles. Plastic money, plastic food, plastic music, plastic bags, and new and improved plastic body parts. Pretty soon, there won't be any real people left either.

We need to realize that Marc Emery is not the enemy. Vanilla Ice, Milli Vanilli, and Barry Manilow are not the enemy. There are people on our planet who are starving, our world is being litigated away, and our children are being sold off to corporations. I am asking all of you fucking lawyers nicely: give us back the rain.

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IMPACT CRATERS

There has come a time where we all need to stand up, and question what we are doing. The reason that we need to do this is because we are killing ourselves with hate. The fact is, we are closer to Armageddon than we want to be, and, the genocide must stop. We need to bring an end to the Apocalypse. We need an Apocalypse of the Apocalypse.

It is actually stupid for me to sit here and say we all must get along, as all that I am doing is preaching to the converted. But the people who are in charge of all the killing have to realize that this system that they have created is going to bite them in the ass Big Time! What I mean to say is, War is big business, because every time a bomb, a bullet, or a rocket is spent, it means not only has somebody died, but it also means somebody has also made money as well. There are better ways for you to make money. Can you imagine how many lives would have been saved, (on both sides), if we were to drop clothing, food, and medicine on the people of Islam, rather than bomb civilians and children with explosives. It would have been way better for the world to see that than have everybody witness the Invasion of Iraq. I'm a firm believer that if you are an architect of war and terror, you will pay for it in the end. Final judgement shall be reserved for those who create the criminals.

I don't really believe in God; however, I do believe in Heaven. You may disagree, but it is my view that the Universe created life for a reason. I believe that the planet and the Cosmos are alive. I believe the purpose of life is so that when we die, we go back to The Source, and not only become stronger, but also make The Source stronger as well.

One of my best friends, (the smartest man I know), calls himself a Dialectic Materialist, (someone who only believes in things that can be measured by their material composition, i.e. atoms). I ask, what about things that have no material existence, things that only go on in our minds: thoughts, beliefs, dreams, fantasies, delusions. What are we to make of these things? Are you telling me that my paranoid delusions are concrete?

I definitely believe in Evolution: I believe that Architecture, Music, Radio, Television, The Sony Walkman, and The Internet are all evidence of Evolution. The writing is on the wall when it comes to Darwin's Evolution of the Species, and to dispute the evidence is completely asinine. However, at the same time, I also believe in a life force, with a duality to it, (George Lucas' Star Wars is an appropriate analogy). You may laugh, but his best movie, (Star Wars: Empire Strikes Back), is about friendship. You really believe that it is Harrison Ford who would put his life on the line to save others, (even though in actual fact what he really wants to do is run away). It is also the reason George Lucas is rich. I do believe in evolution, and, I believe that this thing that I call The Source, (or life force), is evolving.

I am against eternal punishment, as that cannot be motivated by my father's love for me. I agree with Bertrand Russell that the belief in eternal punishment is immoral. However, I do believe in both Karma as well as The Cycle. I believe that every bad thing that I have ever done has come back and made me wish that I had never done the bad things that I have done. As far as The Cycle goes, it's really just something where a series of smaller cycles eventually make up a greater cycle, until it all meets to an ultimately huge cycle. Once it reaches its peak, it starts all over again. I believe that The Mayan Calendar is an example. Some people are trying to outrace The Cycle: can't be done. Some things have to happen in their natural sequence. Time will tell how well we have learned from them or not.

I believe in The System by Design: I don't believe that the Earth was created in six days, however, I do believe that the respiratory system, the circulatory system, the cardiovascular system, and the reproductive system are all intentional. I believe that there is something behind the planet's precipitation system, and the way that it works. I believe there is something behind the Solar System, and the way that it works. I believe there is something behind the Earth's seasonal system, and the way that it works. Winter exists for 2 reasons: one is because this is where we get our water; the other is to help the planet cool down. You have to remember that the Earth is a very hot place. I believe that there is something behind the Earth getting enough time in the sun, as well as getting enough time to cool, that keeps everybody alive. Keep this in mind, if the Earth were to stop rotating, one side would freeze, and, one side would fry.

As far as I know, one of the things meteorites do when they crash here, is bring nutrients, minerals, enzymes, bacteria, fats, microbes, and proteins and all the rest to the planet. It's how this chunk of rock gets the building blocks it needs to create life (time and time again). There have been about seven (7) mass extinctions on our planet. Every time, even after it died, life still somehow managed to keep coming back again and again. Funny enough, the ancient Greeks believed that life here on Earth came about as a marriage of Earth, (Mother, Gaia), and Sky, (Father, Uranus). Interestingly enough, they were not the only ones who believed this.

The Earth is a gift from Heaven.
These craters are a gift from Heaven.
Life here was a gift from Heaven.

I believe we owe it to ourselves, (and each other), to show compassion for people as well as animals. Violence, pollution, as well as the butchering of animals, (when we should be eating a plant-based diet), has Mother Nature screaming for dear life. The warning signs are about: HIV, Ebola, Swine Flu, Coronavirus, and all the rest is Mother Nature's way of saying we had better clean up our act. Because if we do not, (and I know that this sounds weird), there will be no tomorrow. The belief in the Dominion over all the animals is bullshit. Raising these animals in captivity, and harvesting them in the conditions we do where baby calves and baby pigs testicles are cut off WITHOUT an anesthetic is barbaric. AND, if you support this, you deserve to get cancer of the bowel and die.

Will I be forgiven? Will I be rewarded for the kindness that I have shown animals? Will you?

You may have an issue with me playing Jesus; but, just remember that it isn't a lot of fun being Jesus when you think about it (not when you look at how he ended up). It's nowhere near as bad as playing God. That is what the people in charge of The War Machine are doing: they are playing God (something nobody has the right to do).

Something to think about.



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